The metaphorical wall has been hit

So, about running.

I don’t know, about a week ago I seem to have hit my mental limit on the number of things I can keep going before something gives, and what seems to have given this week is my running. I mean, I haven’t given it up entirely, but around Week 6 Day 3 of C25k, I suddenly stopped being able to push myself through the unhappy bits.

What happened last Friday was that I took wee Thesis out for her run, and we got through the pre-run walk and the 5 minute warmup walk fine, and then started on the run. I wasn’t really feeling very positive about it, but I figured that was okay – I never feel positive about running. I just feel accomplished when it’s over. But this time the negative self-talk (“I’ll never do this, this is terrible, I am terrible, I am lazy, no one will ever think I’m doing good at this”) got really bad. I might have been able to push through that, but then someone was walking their dog off-leash and the other dog ran up to Thesis to be friendly. Thesis is not friendly. She got really distracted, the dog’s owner got really shirty with me, and I just gave up on the run 10 minutes in.

I figured that was that, and I’d try it again the next day. Got up. Started everything, got through to the 10 minute mark on the run and just… stopped. No reason. Just stopped. No more running. Done now.

I figure I’ve got one of three things going on.

1. I’m just not eating enough to generate the energy to get through everything I’m doing and do a 25 minute run. This is actually pretty likely – I’m terrible at remember to eat and/or sleep enough, and last week was incredibly hectic and terrible for both. I was trying to run on limited sleep the morning with the off-leash dog, and the following attempt was when I had had a full day and not enough to eat. So that’s possible.

2. It’s easier to get dominated by negative self-talk when you feel really under valued. Last week was hectic and full of too many things, as I said, but on top of it those of us doing the bulk of the planning/organizing got a bit ignored. It’s a bit hard to explain without going into too many specifics, but having someone admit that they never read anything you send out and then complaining that they didn’t hear about orientation events, and having someone else wander into the event you planned (and sent them weekly updated about) saying “What’s all this then?” makes you feel like you are doing nothing for no one. (Both events were moderately well attended, but it’s easier to remember the negative.) Thus, it’s far more believable that I am terrible and should feel terrible than it was during the summer, when I didn’t feel quite so bad about everything.

3. Over doing it. I have been going kinda hell for leather over the past few weeks. Adding a full schedule of events onto a large number of runs = not wise.

I did take a couple of days to feel sorry for myself, and now I’ve gone back to doing Zombies, Run! so I can maybe get my brain psyched up to do that long run on the end of Week 6. Those runs are not going nearly as well, either, but at least they’re happening. (The week I’m on for Z,R! is 5 minute free-form run, 1 minute run/1 minute walk/10 knee lifts 5 times, 8 minute free-form run, 2 minutes of stretching, 8 minute free form run. I run the whole 5 minute free-form and probably a bit more than half of the 8 minute ones, but … I don’t really feel I’m giving it my all, you know?)

At least my phone is working again, and while I don’t have The Best Picture Ever of doggie, I do have something. I’ve missed sharing her photo – she really is the cutest doggie in the world.

I wish I could get over this negative self-talk, though. While I was first doing this I would actually imagine some of my friends and colleagues at the end of an imaginary race, cheering me on and telling me how good I was doing. Now I can’t even get myself to do that. I literally spend the whole run thinking that I’m unhappy and terrible and bad at this. I know for certain this is related to energy, so I’m hoping remembering to eat more often will help with it.

But anyway, for the record, there’s been a few 4K walks with the doggie on my off days, and I did Z,R! two days ago (in the evening) and this morning. And, of course, this morning I ran into one of my colleagues (who does everything perfectly as far as I’m concerned) on her morning run, during one of the walking periods of mine. So there I am, sweaty and red faced and ucky, while walking, and she’s gliding past me looking awesome.

*sigh* At least I have a cute doggie.

Hectic Weeks = Terrible Workouts

It’s been a terribly busy few days, and we’re heading into the school year so things are just going to get more absurd in terms of time and energy management. I haven’t stopped moving – on Friday I walked with the doggie up to the vet to pick up some of her medication (it’s preventative, she’s okay), and that turned out to be a 6 mile walk there and back, so I didn’t go running that evening. (Doggie, I’m sure, was up to it. I was not.) Then yesterday was running errands day and I didn’t eat properly and blah. Anyway, I am an excuse-making machine here.

And then this morning! This morning I was supposed to get up at 7 but I use a computer for my alarm clock and forgot to turn on the volume. *siiiiiiiiiigh* So I didn’t get up till 10. I was so tempted to just say “eh, whatevs” and put off running again and then realised that there would always be another reason not to run. And since I am trying to shift my running to the morning instead of constantly doing it at 11 at night, I fed the dog, put on my running shoes, and away we went.

(Well, okay, I also put on other clothing, but you see my point.)

We finally did that other trail I’ve been wanting to check out but was putting off because I didn’t want to do it at 11 at night. It’s fairly pleasant, but the asphalt is older and poorly maintained and omg so many hills. Not real hills, of course. I walked down a real hill during my warmup. But when you’re trying to push through an “I don’t wanna run” moment, even the slightest increase in grade feels like the end of the world. I am many things, gentle reader, but the biggest thing I am is a whiner. And I made myself go through that by promising myself a good whine at the end of it all.

This was a harder run, I think, even than the last one partly because I haven’t been moving around as much but mostly because of the not eating/not sleeping properly thing I’ve been doing. I’m hoping to move all of my running to mornings because I think it will help with the sleep hygiene issue I’m having. And also because it feels just that little bit safer.

I’m both dreading and looking forward to tomorrow’s run. So there’s that.

Running in the rain

Are you considered a real runner if you get outside, see it’s pouring rain, whine about how much you hate the rain, but do your run anyway?

Yesterday I ended up taking doggie for two walks for a total of 5.5 miles, thus making my day off running at least a day of moving. I really love walking with Thesis – she’s just such a nice dog to walk with, even when she’s determined to sniff every blade of grass along the way.  There are also some really lovely places to walk here. Yesterday we ran into a couple running with their two dogs – a big golden lab type and a smaller poodle type.  There was much sniffing and some growling, and then everyone moved along and was okay. Thesis is getting better about being around other dogs, which is a relief. (If I were to armchair diagnose her, I’d say she’s a pretty anxious dog. I’m not sure how long she was with her last owner, but probably a long time. I know from the pound that giving her up absolutely gutted the woman, but she was going into long-term care and there was no one to take her. When I first got her, she used to have such anxiety if I even left to take out the garbage, and now she’s still sad and anxious if I leave, but she doesn’t completely melt down. Poor doggie. I wish she felt better and more confident, but it takes time. I’ve only had her since May.)

But today was Week 5 Day 1 of C25k. I am totally impressed with myself for fighting through this one considering that it was raining for the very first part. (Mostly we got wet during the pre-run walk. Thesis did not want to keep running after that, as Thesis hates getting wet. I informed her that if I had gone to the whole effort of getting on my running clothes and shoes and doing up my hair then we were going for a run. She pined after the apartment until it stopped raining about a minute or two later. Poor doggie. Her life, so hard. My life, so hard. But I totally would have kept running even if it had kept raining.) This one was hard again, just like the first bit of Week 4. I’m kind of surprised it was, though – overall it’s fewer actual minutes of running this stint (15 minutes versus 16). It’s just that it’s three 5 minute stretches, I guess. I don’t know.  I got through it, and that’s the important part.

I am so glad I have Mia’s Chubby Jones podcasts, though. I’m certain they’re not to everyone’s tastes, but for me her chatter and words of encouragement really help me get through those long running stretches where I’d really rather just stop and do something else, like lie on the ground and not move. I feel like we’re friends, even though I’ve never even sent her an email. It’s nice to have her words of encouragement.

If all goes according to plan, tomorrow should be back to having doggie photos, since the parts for my phone should be in. Which is good, because really – my doggie is the cutest doggie, and you are missing out.

I’m a bit anxious about school starting up again soon. I hit the ground running (as it were) on September 3rd and I’m so afraid it’s going to go pear-shaped in terms of my time commitments. I wonder if I should look for a human running partner to keep me going?

A rough start to the day

When I woke up I took a bleary glance at the clock and though “Oh good, single digits! I must not have slept in…” Then I grabbed my classes. 1:30 p.m.

/o\

Anyway, after doing some mid-afternoon stretches I got myself in gear and took wee Thesis for her longer Saturday Morning Afternoon walk. It’s a really lovely path that starts a few blocks from my house. When I take it in the morning it’s usually just me, a few other people walking their dogs, and some joggers, but by mid-afternoon it’s usually got people strolling along or even having cook-outs. Today I even found someone fishing. It’s all very pleasant.

Thesis wants to know why we are stopping to take a photo of our beautiful tree-lined path when we could be walking right now.

The only drawback was that I had my phone (to take photos) and that meant people could text me. One of my colleagues, bless his wee cotton socks, is having a very hard time with the writing process right now and I spent a bit of our walk standing around texting him advice (like write something and then edit it, rather than trying to write something perfect the first draft). Poor doggie. Worst walk ever, as she informed me with deeply displeased looks. Clearly her sheep (that would be me) needs to learn how to text and walk at the same time, like all the kids these days.

Notes: Still felt a bit sore from last night but walking seems to have fixed that. I did remember to eat breakfast, but I haven’t eaten anything since and that is a problem. Need to eat more.